Destructive Behavior

Destructive behavior.  I wish I were talking about my 4 year old.  I’m actually talking about myself.  Today has been hard.  I did a dumb thing.  I punched a wall out of frustration, anger, just plain old being overwhelmed.  Wall: 1, Me: 0.  It did not end well for my knuckles. So now, on top of all of the other things weighing me down, I have a bruised and sore hand.

My husband and I got into an argument at 4am.  I was displeased with how he was handling our 4 year old who had woken up crying.  Being a mom, reacting to her child in distress, I swooped in to try and fix everything. I didn’t handle it well and my husband saw it as me undermining his authority in front of our son.  I get it.  But the way my husband treated me afterward, the way he talked to me and scolded me like a child, hurt.  It put me on the defensive and not very willing to respond to him in any positive way  to move past the situation.  So we’ve kind of just been stuck today, mad at each other, both digging in our heels.  And let me tell you, I’m as stubborn as a bull, I can dig those heels all the way to China.

When I texted him earlier on my way into work to tell him I was overwhelmed and felt on the verge of a breakdown, he basically said I needed to talk to someone else.  Because he’s mad at me, he won’t talk to me about how I’m feeling.  He has isolated me even further than I’ve isolated myself and I feel completely alone now. I feel hurt and angry and I feel like I want to hurt him back.  I’m trying not to because I know in my mind I’m probably being irrational and I would regret it and this will pass.  But it’s an exhausting struggle to do what I know is right vs. what my irrational impulses are urging me to do.

I’m on my 9th evening shift in a row.  I’ve worked 90 hours in 9 days. I’ve seen my coworkers more than my family the last week and a half.  This make me angry and resentful and all of my feelings of inadequacy as a mother are exploding from me like a violent volcanic eruption.  I hate not being there for my kids and hanging out with my husband once they are in bed.  Every day when I have left for work, my son grabs my leg or my hand and says “no mommy, don’t go.”  This transition back to work is not going well.  For anyone in my family.  I don’t know how to make it better and I’m fearful of the impact it’s having.

We are supposed to be going on a trip this weekend to visit my family and have my sons 4th birthday party. It has me stressed.  What if my daughter catches an illness from someone while we are there?  Not all of the family has met her yet and we’ll all be gathering at my sons birthday party.  I’m terrified she will get sick.  On December 7th, she has to have surgery to close a hole in her heart.  What if she gets pneumonia from being on the ventilator during the surgery?  What if, God forbid, something goes wrong during this supposedly “gold-standard, no-big-deal” procedure?  What if we get in a car accident driving to or from our destination?  My mind is consumed by these, and other, fears.

And then there is all the stuff in my house.  Lord help me, save the computers and the photo albums and let the rest burn!  I am so overwhelmed by all of the STUFF.  I just want to throw everything away!  From toys, to mountains of books and clothes and shoes and paperwork…the amount of stuff is endless and I’m sick of it.  I’d love to have a few days to just purge.  Oh but guess what?  I work 7 days in a row and when I finally get a few days off I’m just plain exhausted from dealing with everything, or someone inevitably ends up getting sick, or we have a trip to visit family planned, a surgery scheduled, etc, etc, etc.  There is always something and I can never seem to make headway.  I’m treading water, always.

I need a break.  And a maid.  And some help.